Am I... Boring??

One of my biggest fears in life has always been that I will become, or I have always been, boring. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I rarely go out until the wee hours of the night… All of these things, as defined by typical social structures, would lead to a relatively boring lifestyle. But, alas, I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember.

When high school parties were becoming a big deal to my friends, I was hosting AP Physics study sessions in my basement with snacks from Trader Joe’s (this makes me sound so lame but it was actually all a ploy to get my high school crush to fall in love with me since I was making better grades than him). And, even in my college days of drinking Pink Lemonade Svedka and puking in frat basements, it was never something I enjoyed doing. One may blame my lack of substance consumption on Hot Girl Tummy Issues™ and, to that I say, you’re partially right. But, it’s mainly because I am someone who craves human connection at such a deep level that having any additional substances seems to dull the individuality and appeal I am so drawn to initially. Back in my crazy dating days, when I first moved to New York, it was always “drinks at a bar” for dates. And, I can maybe tell you five things I *actually* learned in totality through that time, and probably can’t even tell you a single person’s name. But, ask me about Chris, the man who owns Hideout Chai in the Lower East Side, whom I met for 7 minutes in passing last Wednesday? And I can tell you his birthday, his favorite author, and can triple assure you I’ll be returning there as much as possible because I can tell we share a similar excitement for people. He also makes the best chai I’ve had in the city (despite the $8 price tag). 

I lead a relatively quiet life and this is something that welcomes an equal amount of joy and insecurity. I prefer knitting and doing artistic things in the evenings with friends. The majority of the time I spend with my crush is spent wandering the city, running errands, browsing eBay, or cooking together. I honestly really enjoy going to the movies alone. I love slow mornings wandering aimlessly through streets I’ve walked before recounting past memories and the ghosts that haunt them. I have a strict bedtime of 11 pm and drink about 5 cups of tea a day since I’ve now given up on caffeine. I prefer hanging out with people one-on-one to truly spend quality time with one another and, oftentimes, am happy just sitting in their presence, not needing a task or activity to keep me occupied. In reflection, each of these moments bring a smile to my face and an ease to my body. But in reading them aloud, or answering the dreaded “what do you like to do for fun,” I’m paralyzed by this idea of boringness and feel some form of shame (a feeling that Ask Polly is informing me I desperately need to work on).

There are plenty of parts of me that feel as though I need to “take advantage” of my youth and almost prove to the world in some fucked up way that I am the age I am because I am having fun in a similar manner to everyone else my age. It’s part of this whole pressure pot of being a girl in your twenties. I feel it daily. The pressures of having more friends, the pressures of looking a certain way, the pressures of having interests that equally appeal to but also educate the opposite sex, the pressures of never having an “off” day or, when you do, maintaining some semblance of grace for those around you moreso than for yourself, the pressures of both acting and appearing more perfect than you likely even are. It’s all very challenging to juggle and, at times, I feel the walls crumbling around me as this little voice full of comparisons tells me I should be a different way than I actually am.

At the same time, however, at this very present moment in life, I am extremely content with the people in my life, the things I do, and the habits I have formed. I hate that I’m saying this, but there is a lot of power when you turn the love and patience you give out, inward. I think that’s been the biggest lesson in quieting these voices of comparison. I’m learning far more about myself than I have in years past. And, I feel that I have been able to forge such lovely relationships with people in so many meaningful ways and that these relationships aren’t as one-sided as previous ones have felt when I was “acting my age” and not being as genuine to myself, my wants, and my needs. Honestly, I don’t even think “acting my age” is an appropriate phrase because, as many people have lectured me and I’m slowly coming to realize on my own, age is honestly more of a mindset than anything else. New York proves that to me daily. 

I probably let this idea of boringness rule my life too much. I think about it on a daily, if not hourly basis, and it always goes something like this … “Should I wear these black jeans with this black sweater again or is that too predictable and boring” and then I try on a new outfit, stare at myself for about 10-15 minutes before changing back to the original, “boring” outfit and leaving the house to receive compliments (I’m only half kidding here - would love more compliments to contradict this fear of mine please and thank you). It also comes in my decision to make breakfast daily. And, whether or not I’m going to stick with the same oatmeal I’ve been eating since Brynne made it for me (nothing too groundbreaking apart from adding frozen blueberries and peanut butter). I think this is often what leads to my decision paralysis when I’m shopping, or at restaurants, or when I’m trying to decide what I’m doing with a free day (simultaneously of my most and least favorite things in the world). There’s a deep feeling in my gut and this little tiny voice in my head saying “That’s boring” which quickly flusters me, confuses me, and, ultimately, convinces me for about 15 minutes before I realize that things that bring me joy can never be boring for me (and that’s apparently what matters). 

Having consistency in your life is, somewhat, in a sense, boring. This was always a hesitation I had with commitment. What would happen to me if I no longer was feeling the highest highs and lowest lows of an unpredictable relationship? What if someone just liked me for me and was there to support me and inherently do all these things that, previously, I would have to beg others for? I used to make jokes all the time that once I got a boyfriend, I would retreat to a mundane, quiet life and have no funny stories or topics of conversation. Well, this isn’t the case (something that was obvious to everyone else but myself). And, I still have plenty of topics of conversation, I am even funnier (if you can believe it!!), and now I have one more amazing person who is teaching me about the world and my place within it. The best types of relationships are the ones where you can not only teach but also learn. I never really understood that as much as I do now and it’s an experience that I am profoundly grateful for.

So, sure, maybe I am a little more boring than I was last year. But, I can guarantee that I am even more myself now than I ever have been before. And, I feel like “boring” should be a word that I remove from my vocabulary entirely in regard to myself (it only applies to everyone else). I’ve always jokingly said “I’m nothing if not consistent” as a self-deprecating joke (saved exclusively for only the wrong times) and let me tell you… I have BEEN consistent. Because, at the end of the day, consistency builds routines. Routines build habits. Habits make gratitude that much easier in your day-to-day life, acting as a reminder of the little joys that each day brings as mundane as some of them are. Routine and the idea of having it is something that my therapist is always mentioning helps people like myself. Those with one screw a little too tight in their mind right smack dab in the area that welcomes Mr. Anxiety with wide open arms. Routine, in a sense, is a form of control. And, that illusion of control is the warm bottle soothing my neurotic mind at night. 

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Tasty Morsels:

1. I am *finally* reading The Idiot by Elif Batuman (only 5 years too late). And, honestly, it is REALLY good. I was not a fan of the writing style at first but I’m now about halfway done and it is JUICY because the protagonist is finally in love (making her far more relatable and less annoying).

2. I spent a LOT of money this week because I got another wax package (on sale) and then realized that the French moisturizer I’ve been using is not, in fact, a moisturizer at all. SO I went over to Thompson and got the Avene Cicalfate+ Cream and HOLY SHIT my face is so happy. I’ve never been glowier.

3. I went thrifting this weekend and let’s all take a moment of silence for this Dior suit I did not end up purchasing…

   

   it was only $100 and I am an idiot

4. I’m on an “eating a real lunch” kick right now (don’t come for me) and have had a salad using the Vegan Caesar dressing from Trader Joe’s every day. I do arugula, napa cabbage, roasted tofu, nutritional yeast, and dressing - chef’s kisssss!!!

   1. I’ve said it before but the Grillo’s pickle hummus… I eat it by the spoonful.. plain.

5. My sourdough bread adventure is full steam ahead (no pun intended). I was very frustrated at first and incredibly intimidated by the Reddit threads I was reading, but I found a recipe that works great for me and have made a couple of successful loaves! I made one for Thanksgiving and my crush’s Italian-speaking grandma said “Oh my god” and apparently hasn’t stopped talking about me since (success!!)

   

   My first, sad loaf on the right. My second, “oh my god” worthy loaf on the left

6. Spotify Wrapped came out this week! My top song was Linger and I listened to it 78 times this year. I could have listened more. I should have listened more!! Phoebe wasn’t my top artist this year, it was Lana. Still a cry for help, but less so.

7. Newsies to read -

   1. Ask Polly - “When you know how strong and sensitive and uniquely attuned to the world you are, and you finally replace your constant shame with pride in everything you’ve become, you spread that love and confidence to the people around you like a gift”

   2. Picky Nickki - I wanna become her bestie so bad, listening to it makes it BETTER. I also sent this to my mom because she is going to Portugal and I think she needs to go to ALL of these places (:

   3. Starting from Nix - “When we’re young we are not adept at noticing that time passes and we never get it back. Perhaps we even refuse to believe that the people and companions we love age and morph. The frequency and total time we spend with our loved ones shrink as we pursue our own dreams. Nowadays I can’t stop noticing how each moment is precious, each possible extension of time is a miracle. When I’m in it: eating or laughing or talking or simply being silent together, I feel the immensity of it. To be seen is to be loved. To be loved is to be transformed by it.”

8. I know I need to stop shopping… BUT I just got a flower stud from Shana Cave because it was on sale and SO cute and I neeeeded it (sorry mom). But, she also sells these AMAZING bow huggies that I am very seriously eyeing..

That’s it from me!! And to think I woke up this week and was like “Hmm I don’t have anything to write about anymore” AND THEN this hit me like a ton of bricks on the subway carrying my laundry home from my crush’s house. I almost got run down by a large man who walked on his toes, but it made it safely to your inbox <3

xoxoxo, Delaney