Hello... Again (!)

Well.. hi there. It’s been a while and I wish I could say this time has been spent productively. I haven’t even been away. I haven’t even given myself a full moment to pause and reset, I just simply haven’t been able to be present enough with myself (or my emotions) to produce anything. It feels weird to admit that because if you go back far enough, you’ll read all my long-winded ways of claiming this outlet was better than therapy for me and the only way I can function as an emotionally sound person in society. Well, I am here to tell you (or perhaps come clean) that I have not been too emotionally well, and actual therapy does, in fact, help.

Don’t get me wrong, I have genuinely truly missed writing. But each and every time I have sat down to start, it feels forced. It feels like something I am trying to make happen, instead of authentically pouring out of me. And I just can’t bring myself to do that. If I’m going to write, the effort is placed here because I *want* it to be, not because I feel like I *need* it to be.

There was a good period of time when pouring my heart and soul out into the internet brought me such gratification that I would excitedly begin writing my next newsletter before the first one even was sent out. And, I miss that time. I miss that version of me in a many ways, but I also truly, deeply, love the version of myself writing this very post. That girl and this girl can only exist within the same spaces for so long. That girl felt that the only way she could come to beneficial conclusions, or process through confusing emotions, was to pour all the contents of her messy mind on a plate, present it to strangers, and wish for the best. This girl feels more comfort in her confusion and realizes that some emotions don’t need as deep of an analysis because at the end of the day, a feeling is just that, a feeling. Temporary and fleeting. Self-help books tell me that, and my therapist tells me that. But, even then, the main similarity in these versions is that I will still find myself stuck in the eddies of swirling thoughts, unable to always stay above water when the treading gets a little too tiring.

I mentioned it to Tek a little bit ago, but for a while here, I had nothing to write about because I felt my problems were so few and far between. I was happy and content and, for once in my life, simply allowed the world to spin around me and for me to simply exist within it. (However, I’m sure if you ask my crush he will tell you I generally have a very hard time simply existing without *some* clarity in an attempt to stop my swirl.)

But then, I aged.

I’m making a joke of it, but every year around my birthday I want something big to happen. I want to feel the changes. I want there to be a big revelation. A large shift. An “A-HA” moment that makes all the bullshit of the year prior make sense or feel more worth it. And, this year, reality set in that I am officially too old for Leonardo DiCaprio (jokes). But, like every other year, the day comes, the week before comes, and if anything I question more and more where I’m at in life. This started happening two weeks ago, and my emotional tenderness was at an all-time high. I was so sensitive to shifts in communication, to my attachment to people/things, to the tone of people’s voices around me, to my own appearance and body, to the weather, to the sounds outside… And the cherry on top is that I began doubting myself, my worth, and my path in life.

I felt off. I feel off.

The most sobering realization in the past few weeks has been that my mind will be the thing that prevents me from living in the moment. My mind is beautiful and complicated and full of thoughts and passions and questions and curiosities, constantly being fed by literature and those around me. But, it is also full of self-doubt and worry and concern. This is the scary, limiting part that pulls me away from reality.

And, in all my conversations recently and all my therapy sessions where I ramble on for 45 minutes straight, not leaving any room for my therapist to address my issues, I can see both the logical and emotional side of things. I can logically understand that I am attempting to control something I cannot control. I can logically understand that I am in the position that I am in because of my capabilities and because of past decisions. I can logically understand that any of these fears or apprehensions that are keeping me up at night, making my chest tight, will one day soon be but a distant memory (if I even remember them at all). But I also know I don’t like this feeling. And I also know that there have been changes recently that could be impacting the way that I am thinking/doing life. And I also know the only way to change this whole hullabaloo is to at least try and find solutions that work for me, but that means discomfort in fear of the unknown.

I’ve always been the person who has a plan, or an idea of this projected future I have for myself. And I’m not quite sure when it happened, but I feel like I’ve lost it. Perhaps this means my present reality should instead be my focus. And, maybe this is my moment to really practice gratitude for the things I have, the places I’ve been, and the people who support me through it all. For a good portion of my life, I felt I didn’t “fit” in and wanted so desperately to have a group of people who understood me so inherently that I could spill myself and they would be right there next to me cleaning up the mess. I have that now. New York was always my dream, and I’ve now made a home of it. I have that now.

So what do I want next? (The scariest question of all.. The one keeping me up at night, and the one that truly gives me pause)

I really, truly don’t know what I want, or what to do next. But, I do know I need to try things out, and maybe lean into the discomfort. There’s always going to be discomfort in growth because part of me will always feel like I am letting some version of myself, or other people down. But, I think right now I really need to just trust. Trust that I know what I need, trust in the relationships I’ve built, and trust that even through all this confusion, I will get to the other side. It’s been much easier to doubt everything than it is to have gratitude for the things you often don’t give credit.

Turning 25 sent me more into a spiral than I thought it would because 30 has always been the age that “scares” me. I cried on the phone to my mom. I cried to my crush. I cried in the bathroom until 2 am.. But, maybe this is the year that I really challenge myself to get to know myself. In the uncomfortable moments. In the silent moments. In the simple moments that feel very mundane but, maybe five years down the line, will feel pivotal. I need to keep this promise to myself that I will continue to show up for those around me, thank them along the way, and give myself a fraction of the grace I give to others because I’m still figuring it all out.

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Tasty Morsels:

1. Things I bought myself for my “birthday”:

   1. Colostrum- YA girl has gut health issues. If you can’t tell from my anxious thoughts above, they are likely stress related… BUT I also have IBS and have had those lovely letters following me around since my sophomore year of high school. I have tried a multitude of things and most will help, but recently I have been struggling. Instagram Ads got me again and I decided to try ARMRA! It’s only slightly disturbing in concept…

   2. Agolde Low Slung Baggy Jeans - I have a black pair of these that I got on a shopping trip to Aritzia a while ago with my crush. Every time I wear them he says “You look so pretty” “You’re so cute” and “Those jeans look so good on you.” So, if you want your crush to shower you with compliments, buy these jeans. I got them from Ssense because somehow they are cheaper ??

   3. Acne Studios Skirt - I sat on the couch for about 45 minutes going back and forth deciding if I should buy this… Slept on it… And then got the eBay offer of a lifetime from Ukraine, so I bought it. This skirt is so cute and I can’t wait to wear it with little sweaters and loafers.

   4. The Daily Stoic - I am in my self-help wellness ERA and this means trying to make peace within my brain and attempting to make it as safe of a space for me (and others) to live within. Glow With Ella suggested this book as a daily meditative practice, and it seems to be the easiest addition to my routine.

2. Things I want to buy myself but I’m attempting to be financially literate now that my frontal lobe is fully formed:

   1. I got the cutest, sweetest little earring from my crush and NOW I need to redo my entire earscape. I want these ones and these ones from Faris, and then will have to decide on the rest once I have more disposable income.

   2. I kind of want to become a derby girl but TBD on if that is me or not.. This is a very frequent topic of conversation with myself BUT I really like these Kleman’s with pony hair. And, here I am trying on a pair (minus pony hair) three sizes too big for me but looking cute!

      

   3. I will never buy this Doen cardigan but I will forever think about it, and how perfect it is. Why is a crewneck, cashmere, boxy black cardigan so hard to find?? Riddle me this! This American Vintage one is a similar alt… Or, this Naadam one, which they NEVER have in the store. Honorary mention to this Reformation one.

   4. Which.. while we are chatting about Reformation.. I still want this dress and have STILL not bought it for myself.

3. I always love baking little things for myself ESPECIALLY when I am stressed! I made some yummy cinnamon toast crunch cookies a while ago and promptly decided I would go all out this year for my birthday and bake not one, but TWO cakes. I made this vegan, paleo blackout cake from Gabbriette (Matty Healy’s new GF and certified hottie) it was, of course, inspired by Erewhon. And then I made baby pistachio bundt cakes with a recipe from my middle school Spanish teacher (using pistachio pudding and cake mix) (: They were both very tasty and chock-full of love.

4. I have been reading A LOT while I’ve been away and this is what I’ve read:

   1. Attached… Embarassed to admit this on the internet but honestly, it was really good (despite the spiral it caused me).

   2. The Worry Cure - ALSO so good! It has a lot of very obvious points in it, but I actually was the one who suggested it to my therapist the other day so maybe she should watch her back (kidding).

   3. Ask Polly posted these two gems this week - How Do You Know When Your Art Is Good and, Love Shouldn’t Feel Bad..

   4. In my *wellness* era, I have been reading Glow With Ella’s newsie.. It’s pretty solid! She posts a lot about gut health and posted this one and this one this week (:

   5. This piece on PEOPLE PLEASING is chef’s kiss !!!

   6. And, finally, this piece on falling into life.. I need to fall more (and let myself fall).

OK and with all that I am done and bid you sayonara. I’m not sure when I will post again but I’m working on keeping promises to myself, and this is a promise I can keep once again.

xoxox, Delaney