Substack has been taunting me with a myriad of notifications that semi-allude to my popularity on this platform (something I previously cared SO much about but now feel a little guilty for). I keep getting likes on old comments I posted on other people’s posts, always in all caps and always with a keyboard heart at the end. These notifications have reminded me of how much of a community Substack really is. Which, of course, led to my own guilt about the frequency at which I’ve been posting since I’ve been neglecting my own community!!! I do think I really need to stop apologizing for the fact that I haven’t been writing because the guilt I put upon myself making the writing process a little more taxing when I feel I have nothing to say. One of my resolutions (as I proclaimed on the Internet) was to start morning pages this year. I’m here to tell you that didn’t happen SO alas, I think I will rechannel my energy into this. And, maybe challenge myself a little more to reflect, think deeply, and share on the internet (encouragement I never thought I would need).
Because I am writing this literally the day I am going to publish (dear reader, she is sitting, sweaty, on her yoga mat immediately following a pilates class typing feverishly into the web browser) the format will be a little different. It’s going to be a “tasty morsels” meets one, large thought I can’t seem to shake meets one advice column response (WHICH I KEEP POSTING AND NO ONE IS ASKING ME QUESTIONS). Hopefully, you like it, and hopefully, you take something away! I’m still here, I’m still me, I’m just working on the version of myself that can be present for you <3
A Diary Entry -
My therapist told me that I “fight my emotions” more than I let myself just have them. That is, when they aren’t simply sadness or happiness. Anything else drives me into a tailspin and for the entirety of this week, I have been pretty unhappy all around. There have definitely been moments where I’ve felt my breath return to my chest and my spiraly thoughts quiet down for a minute, but those have been few and far between. My emotional state has been consumed with this underlying frustration and upset and confusion. I’m not quite sure what triggered it, but I feel quite overwhelmed and dissatisfied with most things at the moment. AND, needless to say, I hate this feeling. The other day I was on the phone with my mom, explaining my upset, and beginning to cry since I wasn’t quite sure what else to do. I get a *little* manic when I am in a mood like this so, naturally, I was also attempting to completely reorganize the kitchen, clean the countertops, and take inventory of the food I had. All while holding my phone and trying to talk about something very big, very confusing, and very vulnerable. As I hoisted myself up onto the countertop to get a better view at the top shelf, BOOOOM, my head slammed into the range atop my stove. I now have an egg on my forehead.
Yesterday, I was working at the store and a woman came in with her very sweet, very intimidating teenage daughter. They stayed about 20 minutes too long, but her parting words were “everyone is miserable in February.” And somehow, this stranger, was able to validate me.
For so long I feel like I’ve been able to really wrangle these feelings when they arise. And, pivot any upset into some form of gratitude. But, those were the times when the stillness felt more comforting and the slow moments gave me a chance to breath. Recently, the stillness has been so loud and slow moments have simply been reminding me of my own loneliness. I think my therapist is right in that I do fight these emotions and, through all this fighting, I let myself go deeper and deeper into my “hole” because I don’t let the feelings have space to resolve themselves. Today I woke up in a better attitude. I did my pilates (currently sweaty), I did a nice facemask last night and talked to Lydia on the phone, I drank a lot of water and woke up with the sun warming my face (and probably giving me premature wrinkles since I don’t have sunscreen on yet).
I talk a lot about how grateful I am for everything (and I am!!) BUT I think sometimes this platform makes it seem like I have everything more together than I actually do.. There are times that I can truly do it all, keeping up with the best of them and *teaching* my therapist things that she claims she didn’t know before. But, most recently, it hasn’t been that way and that’s been really confusing for me. I felt like I had grown so much in the past year and became a little more well-adjusted to my many emotions but, this is all part of the process. Tiny, baby steps. Progress isn’t linear and I think for as much forgiveness as I grant others, I need to start giving back a bit to myself <3
Ask Delaney - Form Linked HERE
Q: How do you deal with jealousy?
OOF. I have to be honest here and tell you that this is still something I am figuring out for myself and I think jealousy (unfortunately) is a big emotion that changes and evolves as you change an evolve, so we will both be forever learning. I wish I could tell you some blanket statement like, “focus on yourself” or “it passes you just need to be strong.” But, I think we both know those are lies and what type of (internet) friend would I be if I was lying to you about this.
I, historically, have not been a jealous person in the very quintessential “romance” ways of jealousy. I think I’ve been able to maintain a very level head when it came to dating and realizing if the person I was going out with wasn’t as interested in me as I was in them, or I saw them on a date with someone else (this happened.. twice), or texting someone else while we were together (this happened WAY more than I should have been okay with), I would be hurt but ultimately told myself it wasn’t a reflection of me. There are exceptions to this obviously, and with social media being as prominent as it is, it is REALLY hard to avoid someone you once had feelings for when they’ve now moved on with someone else. But, I implore you to not channel that energy in a jealous way. The little green eyed monster knows when to jump, and this is one of those very perfect moments. Instead, think of all the ways your life has changed since you knew this person. Maybe you got a new job, or picked up a new hobby, maybe you moved apartments or have a new favorite band. All these things that have changed since you knew them have brought you closer to yourself, and ultimately the next person that you may date. This is all information you can keep close to your heart, and that person should be jealous (kidding) that they don’t know this evolved version of yourself (but, you’re the one ultimately winning here).
One of the more complicated things about jealousy is there is not one, singular “type.” You can be jealous romantically; Of a past partner’s new relationship, of a current partner’s old relationship, of your friend’s relationship status or ease of dating, of the fact that everyone seems to be getting engaged and you have yet to have your first relationship. You can be jealous in your career; Of promotions others may be getting, jobs that friends may have, the ease in which applying to countless positions seem for other people but not yourself. You can be jealous of social dynamics; Of friends who find friends so easily, of people who have large groups of friends with all different tastes and preferences so they always have a back-up plan even on a quiet night, of friends who have a closeknit group of friends from childhood that don’t go a day without texting in the groupchat.
My personal green-eyed monster is all centered around friendships and social dynamics. I am jealous of people who have strong friend groups and countless social plans a week. And, because of this, I have let it really impact me, making me self-concious about the relationships I have and focusing so much energy on how I am unsuccessful in my social life (drama!!). I feel silly typing this out because it’s something I’ve really been working on, and I think if I would have just channeled this energy into celebrating how special these people are to me, I would realize that there is no, one “right” way to have friends.
BUT, you’ll notice jealousy is so much focused outward. On other people. All the time. It’s a very natural set of feelings and I think it is worthy to let yourself feel a little jealous at times. But, that’s with the caveat, that this jealousy should only serve as a motivator and not a source of being self-crtical (which is easier said than done). You can be jealous that someone may have what you think you “want” so, use that jealousy to really push yourself to determine those needs and wants more definitively so that you can achieve something similar. You’re jealous of someone’s career growth? Ask yourself where you see yourself in five years and use that as motivation to change your reality. You’re jealous of someone’s relationship? Give yourself a LOT of love first, and then determine what qualities you maybe liked or didn’t like in past relationships to help direct any upcoming dates.
Tasty Morsels -
I have been a RAVENOUS book reader this year. I’m always reading two books at once and I like to balance my time between fiction and self-help. I desperately need to stop reading self-help but, alas, here we are.
Big Swiss - No notes. It made me so uncomfortable at times but the characters were built beautifully and it was a very easy read.
Pure Colour - I hated this.. I’m sorry. It is a very interesting look at grief but I don’t think I would ever explain grief in the way of an “ejaculation” to the soul.
The Surrender Experiment - My self-help baby!! Super easy to read and such a lovely way to think about life. I took away so many tokens of wisdom and I think this theme of “surrendering” will continue for the remainder of the year for me
Ghosts - WHY WAS NO ONE TALKING ABOUT THIS FOUR YEARS AGO?! Literally one of my favorite books I’ve read in years. It was so relatable and British and funny. I could have read 200 more pages.
Sorrow and Bliss - Another, funny, British book. I hated the way this was written in a stream of consciousness but once I got past that, I did appreciate the story. It frames mental health in a very unique way!
This is just a (really sad) PSA that if I ever took you to my favorite room at the MoMA with the TV Screens and news broadcasts, it has since been replaced with a 1980s bomb shelter. I went with Lydia last weekend and it may have been the worst news of the weekend.
Also while Lydia was here, I ate gluten (!!) because we took some “gluten digesting” pills. Honestly.. 10/10. I had no issues, no tummy aches and the croissants were SOOOOOOOO good
Croissants and Gluten Pills - chef’s kiss
I knit my lover an almost perfect beanie with this pattern from Purl Soho. It looks very cute (hot??) on him and we got yarn from Woolyn! I felt very very accomplished supporting two New York businesses. If you’re a little crafty gal, Woolyn is genuinely heavenly and the women who work there know SO much.
Mira and I went to see Dogtooth at the Metrograph two weeks ago and.. it was a WILD movie. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget it, but initially, I was highly confused about how I felt about it. It is very unique and a concept that I don’t think I’ve ever seen depicted in film before. The best kind of art makes you uncomfortable in some way and this was VERY successful in doing such.
IF you have seen a picture of me recently and have thought to yourself, “wow Delaney’s skin is GLOWING” let me tell you my secret. One, it is not, it is currently flaking over my keyboard as we speakkk (I’m *purging*) and two, it is all thanks to tretinoin and my VERY methodic skincare that I cannot not do. I saw a girlie say to do “5x5” routines to help, but this is my *personal* routine:
AM - Cleanse with Innisfree Green Tea Cleanser, Naturium Vitamin C Serum, Four Pumps (I know) Coxrx Snail Mucin, ialuset Hylauronic Acid Cream, Glossier Eye Cream, Avene Cicalfate Restorative Cream, and top with Trader Joe’s Sunscreen (lol)
Every two hours, I swipe this baby all over my face for more sun protection
PM - Cleanse with Rohto Oil Cleanser followed by Belif Aqua Bomb or Innisfree Green Tea Cleanser, tone with Thayer’s Hydrating Toner, Three Pumps Coxrx Snail Mucin, pea-sized amount of .05% Tretinoin (prescription), and top with La Roche Cicaplast.
EEEEEP! So much! Ok, that’s it from me (:
Xoxox, Delaney
Snail mucin forever ❤️