You Had to Be There
It’s been so long since I’ve last written here that even my computer history has forgotten that this little diary exists… I opened my web browser and started typing “sub-” and NOTHING came up. It was… sobering. Concerning. Dare I say… gut-wrenching (but I’m likely just being dramatic).
What is there to say to a group of people who have known you so intimately that they’ve walked along with your inner thoughts through the various highs and lows the journey has inspired?
Do I give you a brief recap of the last two months? Do I explain that I took a new job that truly pivoted my life in a way that the girl you used to know (the one that started this diary two years ago) could have never imagined?
Do I tell you that in the time we’ve been apart, I went back to my home state (Colorado, iykyk) and returned to my most sensitive, juvenile self and felt the most happiness I had felt in months?
Do I tell you that my dreams and passions have all remained the same but I, myself, feel like a new person as I sit here in my office chair and newly reconfigured room?
Do I tell you I’ve been lost and confused and felt uninspired until a few weeks ago when something clicked and, between that, and my therapist “quitting” at being a therapist I couldn’t quite understand what was happening?
Do I tell you I got a haircut one could only equate to the “Clair” haircut in Fleabag that made a hermit out of me for 24 hours and caused me only to take neck-down photos for the last three weeks?
All of that seems so minor and silly and circumstantial and I’m sorry, dear internet friend, BUT you had to be there… You had to be there to see the smiles. You had to be there to see me in a ball on the floor of my room hysterically crying over something (my hair) that would grow out just a mere two weeks later. You had to be there to see the light return to my eyes and the dimple return to my left cheek. You had to be there to watch me reconnect with myself, my mind, my body and see the wave of peace set over me.
I had a conversation today with my life coach (yes, I have one of those now) (see above re:“therapist quitting therapy”), and we talked about being more present. I spoke about how I’ve noticed I can exist so far into my head even when my body is presently pulling me into the moment. This will forever be something I struggle with, white-knuckling the world until hopefully, one day, it will all work out in favor of me and my controlling nature. But, recently, that hand has relaxed and I’ve been able to simply “be” (in my body) instead of simply focusing on "doing” (in my head). AS OBVIOUS AS THIS SOUNDS, this was a big breakthrough for me in this puzzle that seems to be balancing my reality.
These moments of “being” look like this; playing basketball with my lover for an hour and a half, staying far past the time we said we would because I needed to get at least 10 3-pointers (I got 11); reading on the couch/in bed after a long day to nourish my mind (even if it’s trash fiction (I’m looking at you, Emily Henry); waking up, doing pilates, and turning on Chappell Roan for a one-woman dance party around my room at 7am to start my day; going for long walks despite the heat to get a treat of ANY variety (fun bev, $9 yogurt, pack of bandaids from Target, etc.).
These are the still moments. These are the moments where I feel my shoulders roll down my back, breathe in the hot-trashy air of the city (sweat pooling in the curvature of my back and dripping to my elbows), and feel at ease. These moments bring back my joie de vivre and help keep me as far away from the rat race as I can humanly be (my dream, hope, and goal in life despite being a corporate monkey).
I AM NOT PERFECT (what a relief to admit this on the internet)! I fully had an inadvertent, accidental “I’m going to be mute and mope around and be a BUMMER because my tummy hurts and my head hurts and why am I even here right now” moment the other day right before watching the fireworks on the Fourth. I was surrounded by lovely people, humans that I cherish and ones that I feel so lucky to have been brought into my life this past year BUT I was being a bummer and I always feel such regret afterward because normal “me” is not like that so it’s pretty noticeable when I am not fully there (re: being in my mind versus my body). To those people, I am sorry and I realize that was fun for NO ONE (believe me, I was the one in my head) but these moments light a bigger fire under my ass to push myself in this direction of self-actualization and discovery.
I could go on and on about all the self-help books I’ve read, the advice I’ve attempted to follow, the self-therapizing that has come as a result of all of this, and the people I’ve talked to about all of this ad-nauseam.
But, I’ll leave it at this: I love myself more now than I have in the past few years. I love myself even with my fuck-ass haircut. I love myself even when I have my mini-meltdowns and feel the world spinning around me when the air is knocked out of my chest and I can’t slow time down. I love the work I’ve put into myself this past year and the version of me that can share just as much compassion and patience with myself as I do with others. I love that I have started saying “no” more. I love that I do things that 8-year-old me would do. I love that I do things that 8-year-old me could only dream of doing. I love who I am when I’m around the people I love. But, most of all, I love that I keep showing up and keep trying. I love my tenacity. And, I love that I got 11 3-pointers (even if it took me a MINIMUM of 100 tries).
Tasty Morsels:
I have been MEAL PREP queen since starting my new job and going into office (#commuterlyfe) and I have to say… Instagram is a TREASURE CHEST of great recipes that are healthy and vegan and gluten free and make your tummy sooooo happy.. My faves below (are you seeing a theme here, also OMIT parsley from all of these recipes) -
Baked Oatmeal Bars (add 1/2 cup of protein powder bc gains)
As you knowww all I do is read and I am so pleased with leaning more into this vibe that my childhood self loved SO much. I recently finished:
The Bee Sting: One of the most well-written books I’ve ever read. A true story of an interwoven family and their ties to community, one another, and a beautiful look at how the past impacts the future and the many moments that happen in between.
Tom Lake: Ann Patchett is newly one of my favorite authors and this book was so incredibly beautiful. No notes!
All Fours: I’m in the middle of this right now and LOVING it. I waited four weeks on this library book and it was worth every minute. I love an unhinged woman and this takes it to an all-new level.
On note of the above - should I…. start a Good Reads?
New York is disgusting in the summer as we all know, but one thing that I need to suggest to anyone and EVERYONE is a solid, non-smudge deodorant. I feel like I’m 17 but nothing beats this.
Whole Foods turns me into a different human and money seemingly is no object and my bank account is FULL so I blackout and buy everything I want… I recently got some grapes that were called “Gummy Berries” and they stayed HARD and crisp for not even joking 5 days. They passed the test.
I saw Kinds of Kindness this weekend and WOW. If you haven’t seen Dogtooth by Yorgos, it is a similar vibe and you should watch that one first but either way.. Emma Stone has really hit her stride and is shiningly unhinged and a breath of fresh air - I didn’t love her until this year, and now I can’t get enough.
OK - Love you all! Missed you! Very thankful, very happy, and very sweaty <3
xoxo, Delaney
Loving yourself with a fuck as haircut is a big accomplishment
Please get good reads so we can be friends!!!